Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)

Watching Fast Times at Ridgemont High for the first time taught me two humbling lessons: One, Judge Reinhold and I both jerk off with the exact same technique--fully clothed in my parents' house. And two, it's okay to fuck underage chicks, because as long as you pay for their abortions and never call them again, they won't tell on you.

Also: Man, why the fuck did Sean Penn have to go and get all serious? This movie consists of exactly two parts: The parts with Spicoli, and the parts with the boobs. I don't seem to recall anything else. Although, Forest Whitaker and Nicholas Cage showed up more than once, which was pretty cool. And if you look closely, you can tell that Spicoli's posse consists of Anthony Edwards & Eric Stoltz as Stoner Buds 1 & 2.

Unfortunately, Fast Times at Ridgemont High is a coming-of-age movie, so it's got all the young love, shitty job, and insignificant drama stuff, but it's a totally worthy movie in full. It really wouldn't be without Spicoli, however.  Every scene he's in is hilarious, even the Mr. Hand stuff (the teacher who thinks everybody's on dope and looks to me, ironically, like a guy who would much prefer a rubber fist). There's a scripted punchline at almost every turn for Spicoli, and they're funny, but the best thing about it is just watching what Sean Penn does with him to create what is essentially the Messiah of burnouts. He's never on time, sucks at U.S. History, sleeps in 'til noon and eats everything in the fridge. But he does it because he loves us.

One more thing on the topic of 80s boobage. Pop culture shows on cable have told me that the Phoebe Cates' undoing-of-the-bikini-top thing was, like, the catalyst of all blown teenage loads throughout the early 80s, and yet, the first tits we see in Fast Times are those of Jennifer Jason Leigh. That seems to say a lot about Jennifer Jason Leigh, doesn't it? Well, it shouldn't.

Sure her tits are small, but she is ridiculously cute, and she's definitely got a lot more going on than Phoebe Cates.

Her tits are probably better, and she's definitely got a pretty smokin bod, but she really just kinda looks better with clothes on. Essentially, Phoebe Cates is more 'commercially hot,' for the 80s, but Jennifer Jason Leigh has got something else going on that just makes her really fuckin hot.

If the movies have taught me anything, it's that college is all about fucking and high school is all about beating off. So, in that respect, I totally get the Phoebe Cates pool scene fascination. In other words, I'd sneak up and beat off on Phoebe Cates in study hall, but I'd rather wait and fuck Jennifer Jason Leigh after graduation.