Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982)

Watching Fast Times at Ridgemont High for the first time taught me two humbling lessons: One, Judge Reinhold and I both jerk off with the exact same technique--fully clothed in my parents' house. And two, it's okay to fuck underage chicks, because as long as you pay for their abortions and never call them again, they won't tell on you.

Also: Man, why the fuck did Sean Penn have to go and get all serious? This movie consists of exactly two parts: The parts with Spicoli, and the parts with the boobs. I don't seem to recall anything else. Although, Forest Whitaker and Nicholas Cage showed up more than once, which was pretty cool. And if you look closely, you can tell that Spicoli's posse consists of Anthony Edwards & Eric Stoltz as Stoner Buds 1 & 2.

Unfortunately, Fast Times at Ridgemont High is a coming-of-age movie, so it's got all the young love, shitty job, and insignificant drama stuff, but it's a totally worthy movie in full. It really wouldn't be without Spicoli, however.  Every scene he's in is hilarious, even the Mr. Hand stuff (the teacher who thinks everybody's on dope and looks to me, ironically, like a guy who would much prefer a rubber fist). There's a scripted punchline at almost every turn for Spicoli, and they're funny, but the best thing about it is just watching what Sean Penn does with him to create what is essentially the Messiah of burnouts. He's never on time, sucks at U.S. History, sleeps in 'til noon and eats everything in the fridge. But he does it because he loves us.

One more thing on the topic of 80s boobage. Pop culture shows on cable have told me that the Phoebe Cates' undoing-of-the-bikini-top thing was, like, the catalyst of all blown teenage loads throughout the early 80s, and yet, the first tits we see in Fast Times are those of Jennifer Jason Leigh. That seems to say a lot about Jennifer Jason Leigh, doesn't it? Well, it shouldn't.

Sure her tits are small, but she is ridiculously cute, and she's definitely got a lot more going on than Phoebe Cates.

Her tits are probably better, and she's definitely got a pretty smokin bod, but she really just kinda looks better with clothes on. Essentially, Phoebe Cates is more 'commercially hot,' for the 80s, but Jennifer Jason Leigh has got something else going on that just makes her really fuckin hot.

If the movies have taught me anything, it's that college is all about fucking and high school is all about beating off. So, in that respect, I totally get the Phoebe Cates pool scene fascination. In other words, I'd sneak up and beat off on Phoebe Cates in study hall, but I'd rather wait and fuck Jennifer Jason Leigh after graduation.

The French Connection (1971)

The Oscars get a lot of shit for giving too many awards away to classy pictures; nicely polished turds all slick and shiny; films that slide out of Hollywood's freshly-lubed snatch like a prized placenta and dropped right into turn-of-the-century England. That is, of course, when they don't have a good retard movie that year. But these are things you already know.

There are exceptions to the Oscar bias, however, and what you might not know is that A Clockwork Orange was one of them. No, it didn't win, but it was nominated in 1971. Unfortunately, The French Connection broke one off in Kubrick's ass and won Best Picture. But at least the Academy had the balls to continually nominate Kubrick flicks, even if it took him 20 years to get a real award.

The French Connection went overlooked by myself for lots of years, for no reason in particular, and learning this dumb bit of Oscar trivia made me realize I had to check it out. Besides, the DVD shows a Gene Hackman who almost looks as badass as Harvey Keitel does on the cover of Bad Lieutenant.

The movie rides the line between being cool and sophisticated, and although it's much more exciting than the typical Oscar fare, you can see why it was nominated. Certain adjectives come to mind: gritty, realistic, violent, mean, fast-paced, and as it says on Rotten Tomatoes, uncommonly smart. Oh, and well-acted, I guess. Did I mention Roy Scheider is his partner?

Both of them were nominated for awards, but only Hackman won. For obvious reasons: he's got a more expressive face. And, he yells a lot.

Anyway, movie summaries are really fucking annoying in reviews, so I'll spin it for you quick: it's the quintessential good cop/bad cop movie, Hackman & Scheider are Popeye & Cloudy, and Popeye's the bad cop, but he's really good. Really, really. Too good. He has a hunch about some random guys he sees, thinking they're drug-smugglers. Of course no one believes him, not even his partner, and of course he's right. 

A lot of good things about this movie, including some masterful chase scenes, if that's your fetish. Some car, some on foot, and Hackman runs his balls off in this flick. But the best thing about the movie is dialogue like this:

Popeye

You dumb guinea.

Cloudy

How the hell was I supposed to know he had a knife.

Popeye

Never trust a nigger. 

Cloudy

He could have been white. 

Popeye

Never trust anyone!

Genesis

I have nothing to offer anyone except my own confusion. -- Jack Kerouac